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On Matters of Size or All about Dick

Not a fan of steamers, and here's why

Years ago, in the late 1990s, I had the pleasure of visiting Hellfire, what used to be an underground sex club in the Meatpacking District. It was a school night. Anyway, that night I witnessed a “small dick contest.” It was impressive, there are some very small penises in the NYC, and these guys were owning them with fervor. By that point in my life, I had seen a respectable number of peckers, starting with my father’s, which involved him naked-wrestling a burglar. And with that as my first penis sighting, there was a lot of expectation to live up to. As most children do, my schoolyard friends and I engaged in voluntary exploration through playing “nurse practitioner,” where I learned that testicles can have their own beauty marks. Then, I expanded my knowledge as an adult through cinema and lovers. (Shout out to a nipple-pierced guitar star. Hey Boo.) The truth was that until that “battle of the gherkins,” I had only seen average to way-above-average penises. However impressive as the contest was, I declined when I was invited by the evening’s bronze medalist, with his oiled phallus in hand, to join him at La Trapeze, one of NYC’s oldest swingers’ clubs. Why, you ask? Because anonymous sex was never my jam and even though he didn’t win, size mattered to me then.

“The Masters of Sex,” William H. Masters, and Virginia E. Johnson, stated that women didn’t care about size, that it didn’t matter. By size, they and I mean both length and girth. The funny thing is that most women orgasm from clitoral stimulation, so really, why would penis size matter? That is, if the woman is having vaginal sex with a male-bodied person, most likely she won’t come from penetration but from the grinding, from oral or digital sex, or the use of a vibrator instead.

A study, published in 2015 of 75 women, was conducted to determine penis size preference with 3D models. The researchers found that these women preferred the largest penis for novelty’s sake and the slightly-larger-than-normal for long-term relationships. They also associated the largest penises with sexually transmitted infection (STI). So what’s the average penis size? 3.5 inches when flaccid, “show-er” state, and 5.1 inches erect, “grower” state. The researchers suggest that a larger phallus assists in clitoral stimulation, via the crura (see my post Grabbing Your Pussy Back) by stretching out the vagina and thereby stimulating the entire clitoris.

So what if you are not into recreational sex with big-dicked men? You prefer monogamy with your average-sized or more modestly-sized, reliably STI-free partner but still want to experience the thrill of feeling stretched to the max. Well, you can always let your fingers get in on the action. Pulling up and back, on the pubic mound works for some. Inserting a finger can work as well, however that requires some flexibility and dexterity that not all of us possess. A couple of positions that can also aid in the “oh so full” sensation are the Reverse Cowgirl (receiver on top facing the feet of the giver) and the Sexy Spoon (spooning with penetration). These tips can be useful both when having intercourse with a living flesh phallus or with a strap-on that is flexible and not the exact size you were hoping for (strap-on sets can be expensive).

You can also invest in a WeVibe, the original couples’ vibrator. There are 5 types, two of which come with an app. Truth be told, my husband and I were testers of the newer design and we gave it a glowing review. I have since given the WeVibe as a wedding gift and will eventually be offering one as a giveaway to one of my subscribers. The WeVibe not only provides clitoral stimulation but because it is placed in the vagina and has a contoured back, your male-bodied partner feels the vibration as well. If you didn’t know, men like vibrators on their balls and other parts too.

What about men and how they relate to their own penis size? Well, size matters to them in a different way. No matter who they are sleeping with, men are concerned with their own equipment and whether their partners will think they “size up” or not. In fact, penis size can be a serious anxiety-inducing preoccupation. One that even leads some men to seek out surgical intervention. Most of those men are then surprised to discover that they have typical dicks, i.e. good enough pickles ready for action. And remember, small can still be mighty and as Buck Angel, trans activist, performer and author says, “it’s not what’s between your legs that defines you.” Or as I say it, “a dick does not a man make,” and Buck is quite the man, no penis needed.

So does size really matter? The real answer is: yes and no. Size matters to people as far as their perception and self-image is concerned but can you orgasm from sex with a smaller-than-average dick? Absolutely. It may take some imagination, experimentation tools, and skill but as one of my yoga Gurus would say, “do your practice and all is coming.”

Have ideas for the giveaway? Let me know. Check out the forums as well, ask questions, answer questions and remember when you sign up you can always change your username and use your super freak identity instead.

  • Prause, N., Park, J., Leung, S., & Miller, G. (2015). Women's Preferences for Penis Size: A New Research Method Using Selection among 3D Models. PloS one, 10(9), e0133079.

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