Years ago, I walked into a patient’s room and my first thought was, “it smells like spunk in here,” I am pretty sure I said that in my head. I was used to a room smelling like bleach, excrement or some form of flesh-eating bacteria but never cum. The man I was caring for was wearing a diaper and needed to be cleaned up and sure enough, he had created his own lake of splooge in his Depends.
What caused this unique odoriferous sense memory? I had, of course, smelled semen before that day and that very recognizable smell is a result of the alkaloids or ammonia-like fluids that first come out in the pre-cum, from the cowper’s glands and urethral glands, these lubricate the urethra (where the cum and pee both eject out of).
If I had walked in and smelled a bit of semen with overtones of fish, I would have thought somebody’s got BP, bacterial prostatitis. Just like with vaginas, fishy odor from the urethra lubricants means something has gone off, and you need to see someone stat.
When I opened Mr. Splooge’s diaper, there it was, proof that either he was jerking off in the diaper (no judgement) to bring himself calm and relaxation or that on top the issues that brought him to the hospital, he was also experiencing involuntary ejaculation. I doubted the former, manual manipulation, because he was unable to change his own diaper. Sadly, it turned out that my sweet patient had sustained spinal cord damage that indeed caused involuntary ejaculation.
Continuing along the sensory checklist for my patient, I made sure to observe the color, which was a healthy ivory, not the museum-white you see at the Met but a clean-ivory. If the spunk I inspected was anything other than a shade of white, ivory, or even shades of grey, then I would have increased my level of concern. Brown, red, pink or green mean go straight to a nurse practitioner or doctor. There could be blood in the semen or some type of infection. Getting to the consistency or viscosity in this case, it seemed to be fresh so it was sticky but had I let it sit there for a good 20 minutes more, it would have turned into a watery substance, because semen is actually made up of mostly water.
What about volume/quantity? At the time, I thought “that’s a lot of semen,” but really I think I was a bit surprised by the whole thing. The World Health Organization has the answer to what is a normal amount and what is indeed a lot. They conducted an extensive cum study of 4500 men from 14 countries over 4 continents, so they know their spunk. From their studies, it seems that the average amount was 2mL and the largest volume was 5mL. I’ll break that down to spoonfuls for those of you that are not nurses or otherwise used to the metric system. The largest amount is a teaspoon and the average amount is a bit less than half a teaspoon.
So my patient’s splooge was very healthy; the odor, the color and the quantity. It just came beyond his control.
Moving on from Mr. Splooge, let’s leave the caretaker/patient dynamic and talk about the most intimate sensory experience that affects most women most directly when it comes to their male partner’s cum, the taste. Many say that there is a metallic taste which comes from the minerals in semen; magnesium, phosphorus, potassium and zinc. Funny enough, if you taste the main ingredient, water and not the other subtle additives, well then you, my friend, might have a zinc deficiency yourself. Hopefully, your practitioner will be a follower of The Private Parts of Wellness, and ask you, “have you noticed any change in taste when you suck your lover off? Maybe you need zinc?”
Some people like the natural taste of their partner’s sperm, but for those of you who don’t have a particular affinity for it, you can ask your partner to eat some sweet foods or drink juice and that may help to alter the taste. But don’t have him run off to the store and down a gallon of mango lassi right as things are getting heated. He has to have been drinking that love elixir a few days in advance. Think post-vacation jiz after several days of Virgin Pina Coladas. Unfortunately alcohol, along with coffee and tobacco can make the taste more bitter. So much for that beat poet you were hoping to try from your local hookah spot. Smoking can also slow down and confuse the swimmers, so that Beat Poet may not have been the best daddy material anyway.
One thing to note: while there is protein, Vitamin C, fructose and sodium bicarbonate in semen, it is by no means a complete food. And in fact, it is not a food at all, regardless of what he tries to tell you. It will not correct that zinc deficiency, it will not protect you from the common cold with it’s Vitamin C or boost your workouts with its protein and amino acids. You would have to drink gallons, basically all 4500 samples of the aforementioned study or even more, that’s at least 1687.5 cups of jiz. However, if you are really so man-juice inclined and love coffee, feel free to try this recipe for Irish Coffee with fresh cream.
Other debatable claims or Jiz-ums are that semen can alleviate depression for women, when ejaculated into the vagina, during sex without a condom. There was a study conducted of 256 college women where they found a positive correlation between elevated mood and sex without a condom, but who knows if it was indeed the elements of the spunk or the act of sex itself. And would they be depressed if they found out they were knocked up, caught chlamydia or clap (gonorrhea)? Remember, safety always first. Until you are sure, never risk it for a fling. That goes for swallowing the stuff too.
You can get gonorrhea and or chlamydia in the throat as well, that’s why we have flavor condoms, mucho sabor. There are vanilla, banana and strawberry ones the NYC gives out for free if you’re too frugal to spring for them yourself. Or you can splurge on mint, chocolate, grape, cola-flavored and even Cannadoms, which are weed flavored. No, you won’t get high from using them.
What the evidence does show, as far as semen benefits for women, is that when a woman has sex while pregnant, with her baby daddy, his semen will boost her immune system and help with sustaining pregnancy especially for those women who undergo IVF. This probably holds true for those babies that are conceived without assistance as well. Another interesting thing about pregnancy and semen, it seems that swallowing the baby batter may lessen the chances of preeclampsia, a vascular disorder in pregnancy.
Want to know more about sperm and pregnancy? Fertility and the power of his swimmers? I will be starting a monthly pregnancy series soon, from the making, to the baking and finally taking the baby home, so send me your questions and ideas.
Ahh, the surprising world of spunk and all its many facets. Perhaps you have a newfound respect for the man juice as I do, but remember you still don’t need to drink it if you don’t want to. Never forget that consent is always the hottest thing about sex, so only try what you feel comfortable with after some long hot pillow talk.
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