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Go F(iddle) Yourself * Gift Guide

Hallmark, I have a card idea for you, “Congratulations, you lucky Mother Fucker!” This would be the perfect baby shower card for the partner of the expecting lady, because the maternal body is hot. Unfortunately, moms aren’t usually appreciated the way they’d like to be.

So here’s a pop quiz for you: which national holiday inspires women to seek new lovers?

a. Flag Day

b. Valentine’s Day

c. Mother’s Day

If you said Mother’s day, you are correct. Mother’s Day falls short for a lot of women, many are cleaning up that substandard breakfast in bed. For 364 days a year, everyone else’s needs come first for a mother. So maybe on that one day, we are expecting too much, like not having to do the dishes, folding clothes or breaking up the Bickersons and their poor negotiating skills over the TV. Sure you’ve read those articles about self-care and you know about the oxygen mask and the mud mask and the charcoal mask. I say, fuck the masks, and take matters into your own hands. Here are some ideas for some real self-care gifts for all mothers, on mother’s day and everyday.

Sex ED for MILFs

1. If you are the proud owner of a pelvic floor, when is the last time it had a good massage? Pelvic Floor Physical Therapy is a gift that you can give to yourself or to a loved one that will keep on giving. Truly having command of your pelvic floor goes far beyond doing kegels. You learn about your strengths and weaknesses and what to do to improve both. It will also help with a nagging dribble that happens when you sneeze. Not to mention the possibility of stronger orgasm. If you love in New York, you can visit Renew Physical Therapy, they also have online courses.

2. The Guide to Getting it On by Paul Joannides, one of my favorite books. It uncovers so much. I actually have downloaded it on my phone for daily inspiration and information.

3. I once heard Tristan Taormino, an award-winning author, columnist, sex educator, speaker and filmmaker. say that if someone was standing in a long line for a long time with a smile on their face they probably had a butt plug in.

The book, Anal Pleasure and Health: A Guide for Men, Women, and Couples by Jack Morin, PhD. may be the next step to exploring an erogenous area that perhaps seemed “off limits” in the past. This book can guide your exploration. You can also take a look at my Bum post.

Luxury Self-Love-Time

4. Rose quartz is known as a stone of the heart, holding energies of love, self-love, romantic love and bringing love to you. Rose quartz is also known for lifting one’s self-esteem and self-worth. No better way to experience that deep sense of self-love than with Shiri Zinn’s Rose Quartz Limited Edition Dildo $1650

5. Lingerie can be your own personal secret. Sometimes you wear it for someone else and sometimes it can be just for you. Maybe you want to show just enough skin to excite, or tempt with the constraint of piping and lace. Think rope play with silk and lace and check out Edge O’Beyond’s Louisa Body $250.

6. A comparable teddy, Vixen Teddy, can be found on Babeland for $39 or at Babygirl Boutique. More in line with this mama’s budget, for now.

7. Carrying secrets in plain sight is something many of us do, but what if this secret was also a functional toy and stress reliever. Love Crave Vesper, $69, has just that, a simple necklace with a thin discreet vibrator, great for clitoral stimulation when you need to blow off steam after that meeting, when leaving the office office or during a PTA gathering.

8. Lelo calls their line of luxury sex toys, “sexual jewelry.” Some say that gold can help with inflammation, however, with this kind of stimulation, the hope is that you actually become swollen with joy. Lelo’s 24k Gold YVA is $3,900 and it also comes in stainless steel, but why not go for gold.

9. Fans of cunnilingus? Let's face it, who isn't? Maybe there’s no one to get down with or if your partner is tongue-tied, Lelo has a solution for that too, The Ora 2. It's small enough to throw in your bag, and has 10 settings from quick flicks to long licks. $170

10. For the Earthmama in you, the Naturotica Wellness has several healing wands like the Mandingo Healing Wand made of healing Bloodstone, or the Growth Wand made of Bamboo Jasper. $85.

11. Pair the above with the amazing, edible and organic VMagic. VMagic is a moisturizer for your labia. Their Lipstick can go with you wherever you go and its benefits go beyond the lips you pucker in the pants. VMagic smells good, feels goods and tastes good too. I’ve been carrying a small pot of this balm in my pocket at work.

Partner Play, If You Please…

12. Ok so you maybe you've been a little fed up and are thinking of trying a casual encounter through that Ashley Madison site. Well before you do something that could ruin your life, how about a Cuddle Party instead? At a cuddle party, you would be able to spoon with several strangers, fully-clothed. Use mother’s day to honor what you really need. Talk to your partner about those needs. Go ahead and consent to your fantasies. PPW believes that all fantasies are fine, “normal” and fun, give yourself the permission to play with them. Share them with your partner and invite your partner to share theirs.Your partner may just surprise you.

13. This potential Father’s Day gift can be a gift for the mamas as well. Hot Octopuss makes Guybrators, vibrators for male bodies, and their latest one The Pulse III Duo can be used for solo play or with a partner. If your perfect mother’s day includes playing with daddy, then engage in some couple’s play by using the remote control feature adds a second layer of vibration for clitoral stimulation. The beauty of this product is that it has helped with erectile dysfunction as well as men with mobility issues. The focus is on pleasure, not penetration. $149

14. Another great mom and pop toy is the We-Vibe Sync. She and I go way back. For many a couple, this may be the male-bodied partner’s first introduction to the joy of vibration. We-Vibe has now come out with a product that keeps a couple always connected, even long distance, with the We-Vibe App. They have worked hard on this product to make sure it is comfortable and adaptable to everybody. $199

15. Linens can be expensive. Linens that are for the sole purpose of tying your partner up or letting your partner be the top can be even pricier, but consensual sex play is priceless. This Mother's Day, perhaps you might consent to beginner BDSM with Sportsheets, a fitted sheet that anchors your partner to the bed so you can have your way with them, of course with consent. $184-210

Your Own Little Gift Basket

16. Here is a lovely little butt plug to begin exploration by Luscious Playthings $40.

17. Light an Afterglow Candle by JimmyJane $29 (a gift I have given to many). The candle melts down and turns into massage oil.

18. Lube up with Good Clean Love $15-19 and get the best night’s sleep after you’ve worked it out.

You don’t have to have given birth to human babies to be a mother. There are women who have given birth to amazing ideas, mothered students through their journeys and worked through the labor of creating amazing art. Some birth mothers are inspirations and some are seemingly lacking. However, most mothers, are trying really hard to keep it together and do their best for their babies, in whatever form. Those breeder mothers among us love our human babies fiercely, while trying to create other artistic babies and tending to our daily drudgery. And at the end of the day, we just hope to have a little bit left for ourselves remembering the women we were before we became “Bubba’s mom.” So this mother’s day, make sure you’re well taken care of and be a well-fucked mother!

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