This is not your typical pregnancy guide. I will not be describing your baby from a grain of sand to a ready-for-diaper-rash accessory, there are some great blogs for that kind of guide. I would recommend Alpha Mom.
I will be writing a series on the private parts of pregnancy, i.e. the juicy details of your maternal sexual self (yep, that’s a real term). I will be talking about the erotic state of motherhood, or lack. Do you want to know about kink and pregnancy? We’ll talk about it. Or how about oral sex, giving and receiving during pregnancy? You’ve come to the right place. We will also follow the journey of two friends of mine.
Today, we will start at the beginning, the DIY or homemade, if you will, part of making babies, when you start to “try.”
There are over 6 million entries in Google when you type “trying to get pregnant.” This means that actually making a baby, not just the practicing of making a baby is a big deal.
Some women smell sperm and “fall” pregnant. In fact, there’s the belief by some that if you are too young to have a baby, with the wrong person and under-employed, that’s a perfect recipe for baby-making. Then, there are those women who are “ready,” who have it all together, the right job, partner, sense of security, years of therapy under their belts and their period keeps coming. But with all this, each month, the plus sign doesn’t appear or your body plays games with you, faking you out with that period just late enough to get you excited, before you start to bleed.
Personally, I have fallen on both ends of the spectrum, getting pregnant very easily and then with some more hardship. For my first two babies, I was over the age of 30, and it didn’t take much effort to get pregnant. However, on the journey to baby #3, we did have a loss. In fact that pregnancy was a total surprise, that involved thoughts of menopause and Spanx. I will talk more about it in the next post. However, the pregnancy was not meant to last.
At the time, I was working in hospice care, which I loved, but that was also the setting in which I learned that pregnancy #3 was not going to last and I felt as if I was surrounded by death 24/7. It was not an easy time and full disclosure, when it comes to pregnancy and birth, I dig my heels deep into my yoga teacher roots and into my parents’ swami rules, and allow these to often take over my “Nurse” mind. So after this loss, I had to meditate on whether or not I wanted to have another baby and what the outcome would be. After some time meditating on my own and several discussions with my partner and complete intention, we decided to go ahead and make another baby.
However the path to human parenthood is not that easy. Making a baby is a gateway drug to the evil drug of anxiety, and in fact you may be thinking, this whole baby-making thing is stressing you out. The nurse in me wants to scream, “RELAX” while the yoga teacher, former doula raised by hippy-ish parents in me wants you to go to yoga, meditate and “RELAX” because stress does not help conception. Sure, in your 20s, you were stressed, intoxicated and sleeping with the wrong people and pregnancy was no problem at all, except it wasn’t your time to be a parent.
So with the directive of RELAX in mind, let’s go through some of your FAQs about pregnancy and your private parts of wellness:
I’m irregular … so how can I catch that baby? Two words, HAVE SEX. One common belief is that having sex on a specific schedule based solely on a woman’s ovulation day and the week leading up to that day, will help in conception. Another common belief is that waiting x amount of days between coitus during your fertile period, will preserve the sperm, upping the chances of the double line. This is a decent strategy especially if your man’s spunk is lacking some oomph. However, to look at it from a different view, a small study of 32 women was published in 2016, wherein they found that inflammation has a lot to do with infertility. The human body goes through cycles of inflammation in all areas of the body but for women, this inflammation has a “potential detrimental effect on reproduction,” when it occurs mid-cycle. So what helps? Lots of sex, specifically intercourse. The more intercourse you have, throughout the menstrual cycle, all-month long, the less chances of mid-cycle inflammation, and ergo your body is signaled that the “conditions are favorable” (Lorenz, 2017) for fertilization. So even if you get your period, don’t stop practicing that baby-making. And as an added bonus, other studies show that orgasms are stronger when Aunt Flo has come a-calling.
During the baby-making journey, sex, which was once sexy and recreational, can often feel like a job.
When first trying: “Baby, come home now cause my cervical fluid is slippery and wet, come crack me like an egg.”
After 6 months : “Bubba, meet me at home by 1:30, you didn’t jerk off today did you?”
I recently spoke with a new mom, who struggled with loss and intervention during her baby-making journey and she has now delivered a beautiful baby. Days before she gave birth, we discussed the stress and anxiety involved with conception. She insisted on the importance of keeping her sexual connection with her partner and the joys of recreational sex just for the fun of it. So regardless of where you are in your journey, keep screwing, because sex is fun.
So which position is best for making babies? Any position that feels good. If you are looking for a position that gets deep penetration, you may want to try what the Bad Girl’s Bible calls The Anvil. For The Anvil, you lie on your back, with your legs up and ready to receive. You can also try The Turtle, which is kind of like doggie style except your belly is on your thighs and you reach around your own thighs. Finally, there is The Jockey, or what I prefer to call, “The Tired AF Hot Bitch Pose,” or “The Let Me Know When You’re Done,” as you lay flat on your belly and your baby’s father-to-be pounds you with their love wand. If none of those appeal to you, that’s ok, there is no scientific proof that those positions will make a baby any better than good old-fashioned missionary.
Do you have to orgasm to get pregnant? No, you don’t. In the book Bonk, Mary Roach discusses how it was once believed that one of the reasons for women’s orgasm was to suck up the sperm. As if the cervix was a Dyson that jetted the baby batter into the uterus. Millions of women know otherwise, orgasm is not necessary for babymaking. However, orgasm can indicate a sense of relaxation and release from stress which is essential in the making of human beings. In fact, one study of several, on sex and infertility, published in 2014, looked at 501 couples trying to conceive and found a correlation with stress levels and higher risk of infertility. On the flip side, there was a study done on ovulation tests and the possibility of stress inducing infertility and there was no connection. Most of the studies on conception talk about the role of stress and conception. This is not to say that meditation can increase sperm motility, but it can help with erectile dissatisfaction and dysfunction.
Should I stand on my head? Well, sure, if you like headstands. But standing on your head will not encourage sperm to swim upstream, neither will lifting your legs. But practicing yoga is a great idea. Going back to that initial directive of RELAXING. So what’s the best thing to do after sex? Relax for a while, cuddle, talk, pee and fall asleep. Chances are a ton of swimmers are competing like American Gladiators to get to that egg, so let them do their thing.
Two more quick thoughts to leave with you today … Lube and Meditation.
People ask me about lube that is sperm safe and my answer is always the same when it comes to lube, keeping things organic whenever possible, I highly recommend, Almost Naked by Good Clean Love.
When it comes to meditation, I personally love Kundalini (which sounds dirty). However, for those on the baby-making train, I recommend Expectful, a guided meditation App for your fertility, pregnancy, and motherhood journey.
Finally, through this pregnancy series, we will be checking in with two women on their journeys to parenthood.
The Journeys of Dede and Sarah - they are not a couple but two women who are hoping to place a “Baby on Board” placard on a Town & Country minivan as soon as possible. Both women are smart, successful in their careers and in loving relationships. They have both just started to “try” with plans in place to get that bun in the oven soon.
Both women will be reporting to me or maybe directly to you, my lovely readers, with their updates between postings.
As always, comment, follow and check back for updates. @PrivatePartsofWellness #PPWNow
Lorenz, T. K., Demas, G. E., & Heiman, J. R. (2017). Partnered sexual activity moderates menstrual cycle–related changes in inflammation markers in healthy women: an exploratory observational study. Fertility and sterility, 107(3), 763-773.