"Tail" as old as time
“I am my lover’s and my lover is mine, he who grazes among the lotuses.” 6:3
I was raised by parents that had a swami, and were strongly agnostic with atheist tendencies. However, when I got married the first time, it was important to my then in-laws that we were married in a Catholic church. Needless to say, I was not invited to participate in much of the ritual, however, I did pick the reading and I picked the Song of Songs (Song of Solomon). Why? Because it’s a hot poem. A hot poem full of sex, so much sex that a student at the University of Texas in Austin wrote a thesis, “Cunning Linguists: Oral Sex in the Song of Songs.” Yes, going down is beyond epic, it’s downright biblical!
“My lover has gone down to his garden to the beds of spice to graze in the gardens and to gather the lotuses.” 6:2
Oral sex combines intimacy, vulnerability, trust, submission, hedonism (pure pleasure) and possible commitment.
Let’s go deeper. Your face is right up in their junk, you can’t avoid the sexual tool because it’s looking you straight in the eye. Seems pretty intimate. The receiver is in a vulnerable position, think about the scene from Garp; the poor college student was accidentally castrated by his professor. Trust is essential to both giving and receiving head. In any successful sub/dom relationship there must be consent, getting on your knees to service your partner can be an act of submission and that can be really hot for both of you. Oral sex should feel good, it's 100% for pleasure. If it doesn’t bring you pleasure, then don’t do it. I know I have told you before that there are no “shoulds” in sex, but pleasure and consent are my two exceptions. There should be consent and it should feel good! And maybe there are other reasons to go down too beyond pleasure. One interesting theory suggested by some studies is that oral sex is a way to mark your partner, “look how much I love to go down on you and you love to be gone down on by me, why would you go someplace else.”
Size, Smell & Taste...Tips
“Oh my, you’re so big, giggle, giggle, gag.” From a biological and neurological perspective, the gag reflex is on point and is signaling that your cranial nerves IX and X are in fine working order and it means that your tongue knows what to do and you won’t choke to death on that mega Johnson. The truth is there’s no need to deepthroat, sure it brought down a presidency and started the porn revolution, but believe it or not, it is not a necessary part of giving a blow job.
The most sensitive part of the penis is the frenulum. Everyone has a frenulum in their mouth, just to give you an idea of what you are looking for. Take your tongue and gently lift the tip into the space between your top lip and gums. Do you feel that ridge? That's your top frenulum. Now, on the head of the penis, follow the mushroom down to its ridge and notice on the underside, or if the penis is already erect, the frenulum may be staring you in the face. That is the pleasure point, where the seam of the penis meets the head. You can lick, suck and tickle that area, if you take the entire head into your mouth, use your tongue to focus on that point while applying suction.
Let's say your man is old-school and covered with foreskin. Well, lucky him, some studies suggest he will have more sexual sensation. And for your part, no need to worry, use a free hand to firmly wrap around the shaft of his love shifter and direct the skin towards the balls. And then follow the earlier steps.
What about smell? You might be thinking of my Fish post, but I’m talking about ball stank. I am all for a manly musk, but men, please wash your balls, because that stuff can be potent and off-putting. Unless your partner likes a bit of day-old cheese as there are those that think the more “natural” the better. In fact, decades ago someone wrote about her relationship with an acting legend who wanted his partner to not only cool it on the showers but let her menstrual fluids really come to their full depth and breath by not washing for the duration of her period.
Speaking of periods, what about cunnilingus with a menstruating partner aka “red wing.” Well, that’s a real thing, and some people love to give and receive during menstruation. Orgasms can be stronger when menstruating. What about health concerns? Like any sexual activity, you have to consider HIV and STIs. If you have both been tested and shared your results there is no true health risk. Menstrual blood can be light or heavy and includes cells that are being sloughed. Some tissue and the broken blood vessels are what makes the experience bloody. Wanna give it a try but not sure of the mess? There are dental dams, or you can cut a condom and create a barrier, or use a garter belt to hold in place if you love lingerie. Another solution is to use a menstrual cup, there are quite a few to choose from. The beauty of menstrual cups is that unlike tampons which suck up all your liquid, the cups catch the blood and allow the lubrication to flow.
Finally, a great technique of cunnilingus is the Kivin Method or “Tahitian cunnilingus.” Some people find this to be complicated but I will break it down for you.
Person with clit lies back and opens legs.
Person to lick clit is on their belly, knees whatever, and positions themselves to the side of clit owner.
The giver drapes the arm closest to the thigh over the leg so that the giver can then open the lips and apply gentle pressure to the top of the perineum (the area below the vaginal opening and before the anus).
The giver then licks across the vulva, hitting all parts of the clitorus (if you need an anatomy brush-up, read this post.)
Just like focusing on the head of the penis while giving a blowjob, this way of performing cunnilingus, allows the giver to pleasure the receiver with less energy expended. Eat smarter, not harder.
68 and I’ll owe you one.
I’m pretty sure the Phife from Tribe Called Quest was the first to say that. You do me and maybe I will do you later. So researchers must have heard him because quite a few have studied the phenomena of oral reciprocation. In one study of college students in England, they found that there was equality in the give and take of oral sex, but that for more of the people asked about it, giving head to a woman was considered a much bigger deal than the expectation of men having their knobs slobbed. In another study of 899 hetero couples, more men than women received oral sex, 20% more. Men also reported enjoying oral sex more than women. However, the men in the study also said that they found the act of going down on women “very pleasurable (52% vs. 28%).” In this particular study, men seemed to like to both give and get oral sex more than women did.
Thanks Michael Douglas! STIs and the other perils of licky love...
When Michael Douglas blamed his cancer on pussy I was pissed. I thought, “No Michael, you won’t take that from me!” He redeemed himself with Liberace. While you can’t get pregnant from giving a blowjob you can get chlamydia, or gonorrhea. You can also come in contact with human papillomavirus 16 (HPV16) which can lead to cancer. But the thing is the HPV can clear itself for most people; you can test positive today and negative tomorrow. One study found that more men than women have oral HPV, but the amount of men is 6.3 out of 1000 men tested. More specifically 60% of oropharyngeal cancers are from HPV. So what are lovers of bobbing the knob or the egg mcmuff to do to feel safe? For the extra young among us, there is the vaccination, but if you are over 26, you can forget about that. There are condoms and dental dams as well, as previously mentioned. There’s also testing before you exchange any fluid with any partner, which may be the best bet. Or there’s Listerine, after you swish the jizz. Now, it won’t help with HPV, but a (very small) study in Melbourne, Australia, found that daily use not only fought gingivitis and freshened breath but also potentially prevented gonorrhea of the throat.
Is it all doom and gloom? Nope.
Since the beginning of recorded time, where there has been genitals, there has always been a mouth wanting to suck them. Studies show that it feels good to receive and give. There is also some evidence that it keeps people together. While you have to always consider consent and safety, don’t fear the intimacy of looking your lover directly in their private parts. Take time to admire what lies below and touch, taste and play with it. You may just discover something truly deep down there.
Case, M. L. (2017). Cunning Linguists: Oral Sex in the Song of Songs.
Cornelisse, V. J., Fairley, C. K., Walker, S., Young, T., Lee, D., Chen, M. Y., ... & Chow, E. P. (2016). Adherence to, and acceptability of, Listerine® mouthwash as a potential preventive intervention for pharyngeal gonorrhoea among men who have sex with men in Australia: a longitudinal study. Sexual Health, 13(5), 494-496.
DLSouza, G., Wentz, A., Kluz, N., Zhang, Y., Sugar, E., Youngfellow, R. M., ... & Gillison, M. L. (2016). Sex Differences in Risk Factors and Natural History of Oral Human Papillomavirus Infection.
Frederick, D. A., Lever, J., Gillespie, B. J., & Garcia, J. R. (2017). What Keeps Passion Alive? Sexual Satisfaction Is Associated With Sexual Communication, Mood Setting, Sexual Variety, Oral Sex, Orgasm, and Sex Frequency in a National US Study. The Journal of Sex Research, 54(2), 186-201.
Nguyen, N. P., Nguyen, L. M., Thomas, S., Hong-Ly, B., Chi, A., Vos, P., ... & Vinh-Hung, V. (2016). Oral sex and oropharyngeal cancer: The role of the primary care physicians. Medicine, 95(28).