So how did you end your year? Me? I explained fellatio, swallowing ejaculate, using sex practices as an insult and the general practice of oral sex to my kids.
Let me set the scene. It’s a Saturday afternoon and my kids and I are hanging out in the kitchen. The 11 year old and the 14 year old start to insult each other, while the 2 year old plays with play-dough.
11yo: She sucks (referring to the 14 yo)...and swallows.
14 yo: Silence
Me: (Double take..look of confusion) What did you just say? (calm, curious voice, not angry)
11yo: She sucks (?)
Me: You didn’t just say “she sucks and swallows?”
11yo: I did.
Me: (Light bulb goes off, decades later, I finally get why my mom didn’t like it when I said something “sucked” as a kid) Do you know what that means when you are saying that?
I like the explain until they ask you to stop option. Don’t give them more info than necessary but drill the facts into them until they ask you to stop, in other words, preach mama.
When I was a kid, my mother would get furious if I said something “sucks.” She would give me a look, the “have you lost your mind” look. Suck was a forbidden word in our home. I never thought it was a big deal, it was all about eggs as in “go suck an egg.” “You suck” obviously meant a person or thing that also sucked an egg, right? Wrong. In fact, this nurse sexpert only recently figured out that my mom wasn’t against the actual word but what it meant. The problem was that she never explained what it meant and I only understood her aversion to the word when my son used it with flourish.
I realized at this moment as the mom, I always associated sucking with eggs and never with sex. It was my 11 year old’s addition of the “swallow” that connected it all for me.
I realized at this moment as the mom, I always associated sucking with eggs and never with sex. It was my 11 year old’s addition of the “swallow” that connected it all for me. So we discussed what the swallow meant, what oral sex is, that some adults enjoy to suck and be sucked (not in those words) and that the mere suggestion of shaming someone for a sex act was not cool and there is power behind those words. Thankfully, no one asked me if I suck or swallow. In my head I was ready to respond, in the words of Dan Savage, we have a right not to share our sex lives with our family or something like that. My sex life is my own and theirs will be their own as well.
The conversation was not painful and in fact, we all learned something. So this year, I am preparing to respond to buttfucker, assmuncher or douche bag (a personal favorite of mine as a teen), addressing all of them as they cum, head-on (badump bump, tzz). I can’t wait.