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Penises and Potions

May is National Masturbation Month in honor of former U.S. Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders who proudly announced, “I think it (masturbation) is something that is part of human sexuality and a part of something that perhaps should be taught". She then was promptly fired by a bunch of jerk offs.

This got me thinking about what is actually taught about masturbation. Sure, many of us know you can purchase vibrators at Target or Brookstone these days - the Hitachi Wand is the OG of masturbation tools for the clitorati. We talk about the good old hand or pillow as the mainstay for many a vaginal goddess. Likewise, there is no lack of IG education being shared on masturbation. Fems are cumming out proud about self-pleasure and we are schooling everyone on our 15k nerve endings and about how the focus can be on outercourse. But what about the boys?

Boys and men have had a freedom to talk about jerking off since the beginning of time. For this reason, we assume that they know how to “take care” of themselves but really who’s taught them to be gentle with their member, loving with their rod, thoughtful with their throttle.

Those owners of the dangling protuberance, what have they been taught about self-love and the tools that might aid them? I have never been a boy or a man, but have loved and cared for many. Recently, one young man came to the clinic twice in one week. The first time was because he was scared he had herpes which turned out to be a yeast infection, penises can be yeasty too. The second time was for “irritation.” There was no irritation but the head of his penis looked dry. This made me ask him if he had recently masturbated. Yes. And my next question was did you use “Jergens?” He responded, “yes, I did.” That’s when it hit me, no one’s hipped these Johnson owners with owners manual of sorts.


Here are 3 things to know:

1. It takes 20 weeks of gestation for penis formation. We all start out female and some of us sprout into males. Yes, we all start out with genital tubercles that are indistinguishable parts. In fact, at 9 weeks of pregnancy, you can’t tell if your bud will blossom into a clit or a dick. By the 13th week of pregnancy, your tuner has developed into a nub only to grow into a staff of power (much after you’ve been born and your balls have dropped).

2. If you wouldn’t put it on your lips, don’t put it on your dick. Perfumed lotions are a no go, use lube. Silicone lasts the longest, Good Clean Love or V Magic are the greenest, coconut oil is a nutty option and spit will work in a pinch.

3. Dicks like vibrators too. Check out some of the selection from my mother’s day post. Or check out the Verge by WeVibe, which not only will provide vibration around the penis and testicles but stimulate the perineum and hopefully your prostate (male-bodied g spot) will thank you too.​

As we move into this female future we need not leave the boys behind because we are all cut from the same cloth. (There ain't no rib in that boner.) share your lube and remember my sweet potatoes to treat your tubers with care.

And in case you needed to know the “boy” is the picture on the left, “girl” on the right, gender TBD.

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